Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Wal-Mart Wayne

A co-worker of mine posted this on his FB. I laughed out loud several times so I'm sharing this here.

After I retire, Beth insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Over the past six months, your husband Wayne has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against him are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest-room.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Friday, April 24, 2009

Warning to All Men

To the Men in Shawna's life, heed this warning:

If you are a man and my youngest child likes you, watch out. Shawna shows her affection to men by getting aggressive with them. Those men who know her, adore her. She quickly stole the hearts of her coaches on last years softball team. Not only is she cute, but she's sassy. Many stories get told around the campfire, so to speak, about Shawna's funny quirks and things she says. She was the youngest on the team and the only kindergartner so they gave her some slack as far as how many rest breaks she took.

Shawna: Coach Sam, I'm only here because my mother makes me come.

If she can access your hat, she's going to turn it around to face a new direction. Always.

Her Uncle Lulu (AKA Uncle Frank) antagonizes her on purpose. She adores him. He's known as Stinky Uncle Lulu because he always farts. At Easter all the kids ganged up on him. She was doing high kicks aiming at his butt. He was surprised by how high she could reach. She also aims for the frontal area on men. You know, the sensitive part. You need to be quick and alert with her around.

If she doesn't like you, she ignores you.

I'm sure she'll outgrow this phase, but in the meantime, I'm just sending out a warning. A dad at yesterday's soccer practice almost got bludgeoned by her because he wasn't paying attention as she was showing her affection. Luckily Todd saved him.

You've been warned.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Blindness caused by naked lady

The company I work for has a fitness center. It's a really nice state of the art fitness center with all the newest type machines, however, I rarely go in there. For one thing I'm not huge on exercise. For another it's weird for me to see my co-workers in all their sweatiness. I'm also uncomfortable getting undressed in front of my co-workers. I mean, I sit in meetings with these ladies or see them in the hallways. I don't need to know what they look like under their clothes and vise versa.

One day I decided I would work out. It was a rarity, but it happens. I walked into the locker room, turned the corner where I always get changed and practically went blind. Standing there in front of me was a ginormous naked woman. Not naked getting dressed mind you. She was naked doing her hair! Rolls and rolls of her standing there naked while she blew dry her hair.

There are just some things a person shouldn't have to see. Why must I be exposed to that image. It's permanently embedded into my memory now. There really should be locker room rules when it comes to indecent exposure. Like, your only allowed to be completely naked while in the shower or while dressing and only for short moments of time.

I don't mind or even care that she's a large person. I'm happy for her that she's exercising and taking care of herself. I just don't want to see her naked! I mean, I did try to avoid looking at her. But really, it's like a car rash. You can't not look. I had to get just a glimpse to see if it was really real.

I may need therapy from what I saw.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm hooked

I have discovered the Twilight Series. For any of you readers out there you've probably heard of this book series already. I'm usually late to the scene on most counts. I enjoy books that are part of a series. So when some co-workers were discussing the Twilight Series my interest peaked. I'm an avid reader. When I have a book I'm into, the world stops. Literally. My kids; they don't eat. My laundry; it doesn't get washed. I'm sorry, were you talking? Yep. The world stops.

I know there is a movie based on the first book, but I'm waiting until I'm done with book 4 before I watch it. I already bummed myself out because I saw the DVD cover for the Twilight Movie and the characters don't look anything like what I pictured in my head. My Edward is WAY better looking and less pale. haha

I'm half way through the 3rd book of the series. Only 1.5 more books to go. Maybe afterward some of the chores will actually get done. Or not.

Monday, April 20, 2009

In February I took my girls to get their ears pierced. After 6 weeks you're allowed to switch out the earrings but you must wear earrings for 2 years straight in order to prevent the holes from closing. Paula has been dying to get new earrings. She was literally counting down the days when she could switch hers out. For her birthday in March her Aunt Kathy gave her some pretty flower earrings. One day while I wasn't home Todd let her replace them. Everyday since one of those new flower earrings fell out. The back would pop off. Paula would freak and get upset. In fact, I had to give her one of my earring backings because one time her backing fell off at a soccer field. Bye bye backing.

Paula has gobs of money. No lie. I told her if she wanted new earrings she could buy them. I'd take her back to the store she got her ears pierced and she could buy earrings that didn't fall out. She agreed.

Saturday Todd had them all day. They came home with Target bags. Both girls had bought themselves a pack of earrings costing $9.99. There were small round earrings and small flat earrings and huge HOOPS. I'm sorry Todd, but did you not realize that your daughter's are 6 & 8 years old? I rarely wear hoops that large. WTH? I was a bit pissed. First off, for the money they weren't that great, and secondly, they weren't hypo-allergenic or 14kt gold. More than likely the girls will have a reaction. GREAT. He's a man. He has no clue. But why would he go buy them earrings?? You have no idea what they need. They wore him down he said. Whatever. Get a back bone. I do the girly things, you do the boy things.

Paula wants to wear the hoops. Of course you do! Sorry, no can do. Maybe when you're 20 years old. But WHY?!?!?! You're MEAN!!!!!!!.............Whine whine whine. She settles for the smaller earrings. Smart move.

Next comes Shawna. Shawna wants me to remove her earring with tweezers. Huh? She's afraid of it hurting. It will be fine Shawna. Shawna is usually my brave child. I pull the back off. She says I hurt her. How?! I just pulled it off?! She will not let me put an earring back in. Not any kind of earring. All day. Todd tries, I try. Nope. She runs, hides, covers her ears. Great. I explain, Shawna, the hole is going to close. Todd makes light saying she'll just stay a pirate. Excuse me? Do you know I paid $38 for her to get her ears pierced? She's wearing two earrings.

During bath Sunday night they tried to put the original earring back in, but the back of her hole has closed up. It's only been 24 hours! Crap. Finally, I get Todd to hold her still while I delicately put the earring in and push it thru the back. Remember, we're using the piercing earring so the post has a pointy tip. It was definitely closed. She did well, better than we expected actually, but I told her she's not allowed to remove those earrings until she's 8. Eight.

Breathing in and out.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Potty Over Here

The woman from the foster dog foundation (they do cats too btw) stopped by quickly last night on her way to a dog training class. I wouldn't call it an interview at all. She looked around, asked me where I would put the crate. She highly recommends crating the new dog at night until we've determined if it will chew my furniture, pee on my carpets and basically just destroy everything I own. She also mentioned how most of the shelter dogs aren't fully potty trained. Lovely. We have a doggy door that leads from the living room to the backyard. She recommended locking "Rental Dog" outside during the day while we're gone. Makes sense. Of course that only works if Rosie can be locked outside as well. Otherwise I have one dog locked inside and another dog locked outside.

She pointed out some wires we'll want to hide or cover up. Todd will Shit bricks if the dog chews up his stereo cords.

She suggested feeding the dogs at different times & locations so there is no competition or fighting. We have retractable gates on the bottom and top of our stairs left over from when the girls were little. She recommended using them to keep Rental Dog downstairs where we can keep an eye on him/her. Rosie can squish underneath them. She flattens out like a rat, it's amazing. Hopefully Rental Dog is fatter.

I really hadn't thought of most of these things. Of course now that she mentions them they all make sense. You don't know where most of these dogs come from. They arrive in a shelter with a past they can't explain. Even if the dogs were potty trained previously, being scared and in a new environment can cause a dog to revert back to messing in the house. Rosie messes in the house more when she's got a bone to pick. Like when we bring over a new dog. Ack!

I remain positive. I know what we're doing is a good thing for one of God's creatures. I'm not only helping the animal, but I'm teaching my children a positive lesson as well. Paula & Shawna were excited we were approved. It's only a matter of time before we're "fitted" with a dog. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Rental Dog

I'm happy to report that I did not, I repeat NOT, qualify for the bad mom award this week.
Paula and Shawna love love love camp. I'm so relieved.

Did I mention we're getting a foster dog? Well, it's not 100% guaranteed yet, but I've volunteered to take in a foster dog. Or be a foster parent to a dog. What is the right way to say that? My yard was already inspected and approved. Tonight a lady comes over to interview me. Paula is worried because they have to interview us and maybe she'll decide we're not a good family. I'm not too worried.

My largest fear is that we become attached to "rental dog" (as Paula puts it) and choose to keep it. My plan is truly to just foster the dog until the right family (not mine!) comes along and he/she goes to live in his/her forever home.

Maybe I'm crazy. Well, let's not go there. But maybe I shouldn't do this. What am I thinking? My kids will fall in love and I'll be stuck with "rental dog." Like in Marlee & Me. He was "clearance puppy". Look what happened there! I'm SO in trouble.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spring Cleaning & re-decorating

Don't panic. This is still Two Girls for Mama. I'm spring cleaning and re-decorating.

For Madeline Alice Spohr

Even before I started this blog I had 2 blogs listed in my Favorites. One is The Spohrs Are Multiplying.... and the other is The Newborn Identity. The first blog belongs to Heather Spohr who started her blog to chronicle her preemie daughter's life. The second blog belongs to Mike Spohr, who was a SAHD to their daughter Madeline. I can't even fathom this, but sadly, Madeline died unexpectedly on April 7th. Today is the funeral.

I never knew either one of these people, nor did I know their daughter. Not personally anyway, but I did know them. I know them like we know anyone thru a blog. I know them better than I know some of my RL acquaintances.

There is an LA Times Article on Madeline Spohr. If you Google Madeline Spohr you will see hundreds of thousands of blog entries on the sadness we're all feeling.

Before Maddie died, Heather had planned on marching for the March Of Dimes in honor of her sweet darling girl. After the news of her passing over $20,000 was donated in memory and honor of sweet Madeline and over 30 new teams have formed in the spirit of this beautiful child.

I'm so sad for Heather & Mike and their family. So sad.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Vacation should be FUN

My girls are off school this week for Spring Break. Last year Todd and I had planned to do Disneyland during this week off but unfortunately due to finances it's not happening. My girls don't realize they're missing out on Disney. So where are they you ask? Or maybe you didn't but I'm going to tell you anyway.

They're at day camp at the same place Paula went to last summer for summer school. Paula was not pleased. at. all. when I told her she was going to camp. "Vacation should be fun." She says to my mom and I. Camp is not camping. Camp is not watching TV all day long. I do get that a week off school should be exciting for the kids. Unfortunately money is low and I only have so many PTO days (paid time off) to go around. I do not want to sit at home with two girls who will just fight most of the day and have to listen to Hannah Montana type shows all week long. I'll become a clock tower sniper if that happens. In addition, I'm not the type of mom who likes to plan activities with my kids. Okay, I'm fine with planning them, I just don't want to do them. I need Todd around for that kind of stuff.

I explained that Spring Camp is not Summer School so there will be no homework. She didn't buy it.

Shawna on the other hand is excited about day camp. Last summer she had to stay in preschool and didn't get to go to Paula's summer school.

As we walked into the room where you drop off the kids, there was a huge movie screen playing CARS, and two LARGE bouncie slides. You know, the kind they have at birthday parties. Still, Paula was leery. Shawna was ready to go but Paula stayed next to me saying "I love you". She didn't want me to leave her. I'm feeling like a bad mom today so I really hope they have fun.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Kid shows

Is it just me or do kid shows bug the crap out of anyone else?? The voices of young children & tweens, mixed with constant laugh tracks is like nails on a chalk board to me after awhile. I've gotten to the point on certain days, where if my girls want to watch TV it has to be a DVD, and not Hannah Montana! Don't misunderstand, I like the shows in general. My girls have learned some things from them that I can honestly say are worth learning, but I can only handle so much of the 'noise'.

That's another surprise about me that I've learned. I can't tolerate all kinds of noise. I find this interesting since as a teenager I liked loud music. What teenager doesn't like loud music? But now...Whoa Nellie! Turn that Down! I make Todd crazy. He loves his music loud. When he sees me drive into the driveway he usually turns down the stereo in the house. Whatever dude...like you need it blasting in order to hear it. Go deaf much?!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Enough with the pencils already

This week I’ve been on after school duty. My husband has to attend some class all week for lean manufacturing. I’m sure you all care. Normally he’s the one who collects them from school since he gets off work much earlier than I do. He goes into work at the butt crack of dawn.

Yesterday Paula, my 8 year old, had an ortho appointment after school. She has a palate expander to fix a cross bite on her right side. She’s had the retainer since January. I’m SO proud of how responsible she’s been with wearing it, brushing it, keeping it in her case when it’s not in her mouth. Not only that, but her teeth have moved significantly since January. The doctor confirmed that fact yesterday.

I left work early yesterday in order to make the ortho appt at 4:45pm. I only notified my manager 10 minutes prior to leaving, which she didn’t appreciate. I actually considered cancelling the appointment so I wouldn’t have to leave early, but work has been bugging the crap out of me lately so I decided I need to get out of there.

We get to the appointment, sit in tiny crowded waiting area, get invited in to see the doctor, get a thumbs up on Paula’s progress, doctor tightens the expander and we’re told to come back in 8 weeks.

Right after this is when my blood pressure starts to rise. We go over to the counter to make the next appointment. This should be totally easy right? Ha!

Me to Appointment Lady: We need to come back in 8 weeks. Appt lady starts looking on computer calendar.

Shawna immediately heads for the free pencils they have on the counter in a cup. “Mama, can I have one of these pencils? They’re free”.

Me: No, you don’t need anymore pencils. Put it back. We have enough pencils in my house to last a couple years. It’s all the rage in birthday goody bags these days to give pencils.

Me to Appt Lady: Same time same channel as far as the appt goes. Trying to be funny. She did smile.

Appt Lady: Gives look like that’s not really going to be possible. Hmm, I’m not sure I have a Wednesday available. Let me see what I do have.

Shawna: Mama, can I have a sticker?

Appt Lady: I have a Monday available.

Shawna: Mama, can I have a sticker? A container of stickers are also sitting on the counter.

Me to Shawna: No

Me to Appt Lady: A Monday? Okay. I guess that will be okay. What day?

Appt Lady: Monday

Shawna to me: Mommy, the stickers are free. Can I have one?

Me to Shawna: Fine. Take a sticker. Geezez Christ child. Can’t you see I’m busy!?

I’m looking in my date book in May waiting for Appt Lady to give me the date.

Me to Appt lady: What day?

Appt Lady: Monday

No shit Sherlock!

Me to Appt Lady: In May? Trying to maintain niceness but really want to smack Appt Lady.

Appt Lady looks apologetic now. June. June 1st.

Shawna: Why can’t I have a pencil? They’re free”

Me: NO! I said what I said. Totally irritated at this point. Go into the waiting room. Both of you.

Me to Appt Lady: That’s fine. I scribble it in my calendar. Shoot, they're actually off school that day for 'Festival Recovery Day'. I start wondering who is going to stay home to watch the girls that day. Crap.

Appt Lady: Would you like an appointment card?

Me: Yes. Let me just get the hell out of here.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Yesterday Oprah did a show on the realities of motherhood. The good, the bad and the ugly. What I took away from the show is the fact that I’m allowed to have these feeling of inadequacies. More importantly I plan to blog about them. Lucky you!

The truth is I’m not the mother I thought I’d be. I always wanted children. I’ve always loved and adored babies. Getting pregnant was the happiest day of my life. Having a tiny baby was the next happiest day of my life. In the early years I had to fight my husband to spend the most time with my girls. I was the only one who could give my girls their bath. I needed to spend that time alone with them. I wanted to read my daughter her bedtime story. I loved the baby and toddler stage. Once they hit 4, something happened. I no longer HAD to be the parent who gave them their bath, or read them their bedtime story. I also began dreading the “Mommy, play with me” requests when all I really wanted to do was veg on the couch reading a book, magazine or some silly TV show. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls. If they’re ill, I’m the one who WANTS to care for them. When I’m relaxing on the couch or bed and they want to come snuggle on me, I’m all over it. I’m just not that mom who enjoys playing with my kids. I love watching them play. I love watching my kids do most anything. But I’m not interested in being in the thick of it so to speak. That came as a surprise. Sort of.

Looking back at my babysitting years I preferred kids under the age of 4 the most. I took care of a 2 year old boy named Alex for one year during 8th grade. After school I’d go to his house where his mom worked swing and his dad days, so there was 2.5 hours Little Alex needed daycare. I’d play baseball w/him in the backyard. I enjoyed taking him to the park. I had fun with him. Once kids got to the age where they wanted to play board games, Go Fish, things like that, I lost interest. I don’t want to play those games. I want to dictate what and how we play. When kids hit 4 they want to dictate. Not only that they talk…a lot! I don’t enjoy coordinating crafts, I don’t enjoy being in a room full of energetic youngsters. Does that make me a bad mom? In some people’s eyes I’m sure it does.

Another interesting thing I’ve learned about me is I enjoy teenagers. I can relate to teenagers. Of course I’ve only experienced other people’s teenagers so I might have a completely different outlook when I have my own teenagers.

I know I’m not alone. If you’re a similar kind of mom I’d love to know.

Friday, April 3, 2009


It's true. I'm a new auntie obsessed with her new pride and joy niece. Sadly for you folks it's all you get right now.

I went over to my brother's house after work yesterday to visit with them. My mom made her famous "from scratch" lasagna so I didn't want to miss that meal. It had also been a full week since I'd seen Allison so I was dying for some baby love.

Jen, the mom, is doing awesome. She looks a million times better than she did in the hospital. Alan is on easy street. He has a full month off work. My mom is cooking and cleaning. He's only using comp time he's accrued from the police department and even then he'll have more left over when he goes back to work. His job while home is to do "honey do" tasks Jen and my mom listed for him. One of the important things on his list is life insurance. I'm sure you all think I put that one on there, but in fact Jen did. Alan has type 1 diabetes so truly no life insurance company is going to give him life insurance when a medical or physical exam is required. He has some automatic life insurance thru his police department, but he needs much more. There is some round about way in which he might be able to add more $$ on himself so he'll be looking into that in the next month.

I love listening to new baby sounds. My brother was going to change Allison's diaper. Something I had to see with my own two eyes. So I followed him into the nursery with my camera.

Isn't she just the sweetest! I love the vibrating cries she makes. She just didn't like being on the table being messed with by her daddy. Once the task was completed I picked her up and she was fine.

I'm so in love.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April 1st baby pictures

My brother sends me iphone pics daily. Here are a couple from this morning. I'm just totally in love.